Last night, after the shower, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, took the scissors and chopped off my hair that reached my mid-back and which was my only pride. I don’t know what came over me, but for sure the fact that I can no longer use the refusal of food to calm my neuroses, played a big part in it.
In the past years I used to starve myself and I could stay a couple of days only drinking a cup of tea in the morning and being ok. Now even skipping one of the five small meals the gastroenterologist recommended me, causes me excruciating pain and if it comes to dinner, it leads to a sudden awakening in the middle of the night with nausea and vomit.
For years anorexia has been the silent method I used to kill me every day without committing suicide and today I must admit I feel quite “lost” without it. Luckily I have a lot of things that distract and help me and a few caring people who always have my back. Of course they’re not my family (they even haven’t noticed that I cut my hair), but I don’t care: as I stated in another post, I stopped letting people having power over me.
The dichotomy between real life and my dreamed one is wide and it hurts realizing that I’ve found out why I really want only now that I no longer have the right age, the means and the health to go out there and grab it. I’m not ungrateful, I know that if you observe me from the outside I look like a lucky person because it seems that I have everything. And in that “it seems” lays my whole world.
TRACK OF THE DAY: It Never Ends- Bring me the Horizon