“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself” Albert Camus

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately and that’s positive because the people who can think about it in a lucid and analytic way, are those who will never commit. I made a couple of attempt when I was younger, for problems that, in the end, had a solution, not like now where I’m struggling against an invisible enemy. I’m without a clear diagnosis and a working cure, alone with a new pain or disease everyday. I’m ready to fight, I’m a tough warrior, but I’d like to know what I’m fighting against.

I try to focus on the positive things left in my life (honestly thinking to those who have a worse situation doesn’t work and it also makes me feel guilty), but sometimes pain and deception wins. So I feel tired to ask myself if tomorrow will be a good or a bad day, to cancel plans, can’t be sure of anything, of being called lazy or that it’s everything in my head. Then the dark cloud approaches and I can’t help thinking that my family will be better without me. I feel useful and a waste of time and even if I struggle not to let my disease to define who I am, there’s no doubt it’s silently deleting my life, my positive thoughts, the goals I want to set.

I read an Italian book “La Casa Blu” about the will to find a more decent way to pass over than let people finding you hung somewhere or crashed downstairs. I found this sentence I related to “today I’m too tired to live and to live, hope tomorrow is a better day”

Hope. There’s still hope, even in the darkest situation and I’m going to use it as a rope to escape this well of pain. So, come on girl, put some music on, wear your invisible superhero cape and kick this day in the ass. Remember to turn the pain into power and that tomorrow is JD’s birthday.

Ps. I wrote  a fanfic about love and suicide: its title is “The Reasons Why”, maybe one of my best piece of writing.

TRACK OF THE DAY: The Reasons why- The Cure

 

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