Category Archives: Depression

“I am terrified by this dark thing That sleeps in me”- Sylvia Plath

When I think my life has reached its lowest point, here it comes something that makes it worse.  I try not to indulge in sadness (even if lately I’m hooked up to bands like BMTH) and always look for the light. But it’s tiring, unfair, because the first selfish thought is “why me?”, what did I do to deserve all this?

Even looking at my magic paper with the uplifting lyrics “Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power” seems not to work, because the only thing I can think about is that I don’t have the money to get these words inked as I planned.

I read a lot of motivational articles, but they don’t work, because in the end I think they’re just a bunch of nice words which don’t lead anywhere and some of them are bullshit. A positive attitude helps, but doesn’t solve. It doesn’t heal illness, doesn’t give you money, doesn’t protect your kids. In my opinion there’s no shame in feeling hopeless, sad or depressed: faking happiness may be most dangerous than feeling sad, because it kills you inside. Faking a strength we don’t have or believing in a hope we don’t have, is the hardest thing ever.

I’m not celebrating depression: I know it’s a horrible monster able to turn me in an insensible creature, a mean stepmother that feeds me with negative stuff and makes me say that I’d preferred to be dead at a concert or when I was on holiday because I was dead happy. It’s terrible, I know, but I have to die anyway and London Bridge is way better than a sad hospital bed.

It is said that when it feels like the end, it’s often a new beginning. I hope it’s true because at the moment I can only think that what doesn’t kill me makes me wish I was dead instead of making me stronger.

Ps. I’m sorry if I’m so slave to my mood and if my posts don’t have any logic. This is how I feel right now, but talking to a friend or a walk or a random act of kindness or JD, can change it at any moment. Don’t worry, I’m just venting.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Drown – Bring me the Horizon

“It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose your own”- H.S. Truman

Let’s be honest, sentences like “money doesn’t count” are sensible when you have enough of it to live and you don’t have to struggle to pay bills or say no to everything you like because you can’t afford it. Of course: family and friends are more important than money, I always say that I’m a millionaire if I look at the friends I have, but even if they’re beyond important with their support and love, it doesn’t bring food on my table.

My life was already bad due to health, now it’s going to get worse, because in two years my family will lose its fix income and all my ideas of earning money working from home, crashed against stupid Italian internal revenue system, according to which you need a VAT for everything and have to pay a fix tax even if you don’t earn nothing. (I still doing researches about home based jobs because I need something I can manage  according to bad and good health days).

In the blink of an eye all the things I’ve built, planned, worked hard for, are going to disappear due to economical interests that thinks that a factory that is not productive enough, has to been shut down, no matter how many family this will affect.

Pope Francis recently said that closing factories and businesses and taking work (and dignity) away from men and women is a grave sin. If there’s a life after that, they will probably pay for that, but at the moment we are those who are having a living Hell on Earth. Words are uplifting, but aren’t enough.

The sad thing is that I sacrificed my happiness, dignity and self esteem for stability. I chose an abusive but stable relationship over a happier, but uncertain one. And now? Now all is gone. I’m starting having anxiety attacks and depression is stronger than ever. I tried, but never be able to commit suicide because of my loving one, at the moment, the only thing that stops me is the fear to fail, believe me, killing yourself is not as easy as you think and there’s a lot of things that can go wrong.

I wrote these last lines not because I’m an attention whore who needs pity and nice words, it’s a self reminding of how strong I am. Next post will be different and more useful, I promise: I have so many things to say and I will run this blog until I can afford internet connection.

I would say to those who lost their job to stay strong, to use this experience to start a new life, to be positive, but these are words that you can find on life coaches blogs. People who have money and don’t have to look into their children eyes telling them “I’m sorry, we can’t buy this”. I’m only a broken creature with no magic spell who’s trying to see the light even in the darkest times. Someone wrote that I’m a fighter through the fire: I should wear off my cape of self commiseration and take my sword.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Stressed out- Twenty one Pilots

 

“People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die”― Haruki Murakami

My laptop suddenly died with a lot of unsaved stuff in it and I’m currently writing on a borrowed computer which is probably power supplied by dinosaurs, but as it’s said: it’s better than nothing.

It has probably been a good thing for you all, since I had a terrible time, suffering chronic pain, frustration and an insane amount of emotional abuse. It hasn’t got better to be honest, but my unwinged angels from this side and from the opposite side of the pond, supported me and both told and demonstrated me that I’m worth loving. Whenever I feel like complaining about how it’s always raining on me, I should remember that I have big umbrellas, some of them are even limited edition. And JD, well, JD always plays a big part in my happiness; I even finally found the answer to the question “Describe him in two words”. I’ve never been able to choose among his infinite qualities, but now I know how to portray him: “nothing compares”.

I read a lot of books as usual, I indulged in Sylvia Plath’s works and that’s something I should avoid, above all when I’m depressed, if I don’t want to end with the head in the oven like her without having written anything notable.

I thought a lot about death lately, suicide, of course, but also about what happens to our beloved stuff once we die. I was in a thrift shop where a friend of mine volunteeers and a woman came with a garbage bag full of collectibles, knick-knack and books, saying that her mom died, so she had to make space in the house. I looked at the object thinking about which sentimental value they may had for their owner. We only see a little value decorative item, but maybe it was a present of an ancient lover, the souvenir of a long desired journey, the memory of a funny trip. And it’s sad to think that one day my kids will do the same; they will put my beloved books, my cherished vinyls, my precious signed CD and all my stuff in a black trash bag and bring it to a thrift shop or throw it into the bin.

So, in case someone will put their hands on the drumsticks JD gave to me, please, treasure them, not only because they’re the only pair used for Heartless video, but because they’re my magic wands: I hold them whenever I feel shit and my mood changes because they say “you’re loved!”. They mean more than what they are, love them as I did. Thanks.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Good Riddance- Green Day

“Please mind the gap between your life and your dreams”

I know that the story behind the tube announcement would be more interesting than what I’m going to post, but it’s a bad health day, so my mood goes along with my pain.

(but in case you’re interested in the story of Mrs.Margaret McCollum who goes to Embankment station just to hear the voice of her deceased husband who recorded the Mind the gap message in 1965, here’s the video https://vimeo.com/103459634).

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When we talk about dreams and desires, the most often heard sentences are “stop wishing, start acting” or “you’re not a tree: if you don’t like where you are, move” as if any dream we are chasing would be easy to be fulfilled just by working for it. That’s wise and sensible, but quite utopian.

What if your body is fighting against you, so you can’t get a proper work and earn the money you need to move to another country? What if you’re too old for the person you like? There’s no time machine, I’m sorry. And no, good will, a positive attitude, an optimistic view aren’t enough against objective difficulties. There are obstacles that can’t be overcame, no matter how hard you work for your dream. And this frustration and sense of impotence goes along with depression in a never ending cycle.

I will be very glad to fulfill all my wishes, I just need an healthier body. While waiting I must pay attention to the gap between what I dream and my life, I don’t want to get crushed.

TRACK OF THE DAY: To wish impossible things-The Cure

 

“Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine”- Charlotte Brontë

I was listening to the so relatable “Till the sun comes up” by Gavin James and I started reflecting on the lines “take me out of the water, out of the rain” asking myself if one day my cries for help and my attempts to escape from depression, will be successful. I have hope, but it’s as thin as tissue paper.

I’ve always been depressed, since I was twelve, when I understood that what was cool for my family about me, it wasn’t that cool for the others, that my tastes about music, clothes, sports and habits made me “the weird one” “the childish one” and even if I’ve always been proud of my being one of a kind, I developed a deep insecurity and the constant feeling of being out of place. And the worse happened when I realised that not only I would never marry Johnny Depp or become a writer, but that the guy I was madly in love with, only saw me as a friend.

Some people call it life, some people cope with deception better than others, but I wasn’t that strong, so depression triggered a lot of wrong choices that I’m still paying for. Since the only person I loved rejected me, I ended with the worst man I could choose for myself and spent my life to make things right. I tried to commit three times: at sixteen, at twenty and at twenty-two, but I never had the courage for it, so through the years I’ve been trying to kill myself in a more subtle way: by refusing food, but that’s a story that deserves its own post.

But suddenly, I found happiness who came in the most unexpected disguise and at the most unexpected time. I must admit that it was a sort of deep, bright, complete happiness that only changed my mood, my inner self and helped me to build self acceptance; it didn’t change the reality I’m living in (I’m trapped in a life I can’t escape from, unless I won a lot of money and gain a healthy body).

Chronic pain and invisible illness ruined everything again for they caused tremendous changes in my lifestyle, limiting my individual mobility and independence. The quality of my life got worse, I wake up hoping to get to the end of the day with the least pain or troubles possible. The worst thing is the lack of emotional support from the people I’m living with, who think I’m faking it, that it’s all in my head, who call me: useless, lazy, burden…

Pain, emotional violence, lack of my own money, made me fragile, I’m often depressed, but I have my magic medicine and the hope that the sun will be up for me… someday.

 TRACK OF THE DAY: ‘Till the sun comes up”- Gavin James

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim”-Nora Ephron

It is said that the third Monday of the year, it’s the saddest day of all, so, what a better moment to start with a change? I know it’s a bit too late for New Year’s resolutions, but I’m always jet lagged so I’m late for everything.

I had a horrible 2016, made of pain, worries, depression and bad health and I really want to overcome those dark feelings trying to fight negativity with more intensity. I know this won’t heal my physical pain, but at least it will stop me for having mental breakdowns due to it; I also know that a positive attitude won’t change my life or give me some money. First of all I should learn to complain less and be more grateful for what I have: for example, today I was upset because I can’t see the You Now streamings due my old phone that can’t be updated, then I tried to calm down thinking that I’m lucky if I have a phone and an internet connection.

This is the so called, Pollyanna’s “glad game” (no matter what happens, there’s always something to be glad about), but I have to warn you that it works only for little trivial problems, because it’s very hard to find the positive aspect in a bad experience. So expect me to disattend my aim very often.

While working on a better me, I planned two things that will be helpful reminders of my goal. The first is a jar where I put all the blessings I’ll get through 2017 (I already filled it with a lovely trip to my beloved London and a couple of things related to JD); the second is getting inked with The Script’s lyrics “Every day, every hour. Turn the pain into power“. JD said he’s going to handwrite it for me, but knowing him I can’t rely on this thing too much: he’s the King of unattended promises. However I’m not in a hurry: I have to defeat the fear for needles first.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Hall of Fame-The Script

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself” Albert Camus

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately, and that’s positive because the people who can think about it in a lucid and analytic way, are those who will never commit. I made a couple of attempt when I was younger, for problems that, in the end, had a solution, not like now where I’m struggling against an invisible enemy. I’m without a clear diagnosis and a working cure, alone with a new pain or disease everyday. I’m ready to fight, I’m a tough warrior, but I’d like to know what I’m fighting against.

I try to focus on the positive things left in my life (honestly thinking to those who have a worse situation doesnt’t work and it also makes me feel guilty), but sometimes pain and deception wins. So I feel tired to ask myself if tomorrow will be a good or a bad day, to cancel plans, can’t be sure of anything, of being called lazy or that it’s everything in my head. Then the dark cloud approaches and I can’t help thinking that my family will be better without me. I feel useful and a waste of time and even if I struggle not to let my disease to define who I am, there’s no doubt it’s silently deleting my life, my positive thoughts, the goals I want to set.

I read an Italian book La Casa Blu about the will to find a more decent way to pass over than let people finding you hung somewhere or crashed downstairs. I found this sentence I related to “today I’m too tired to live and to live, hope tomorrow is a better day”

Hope. There’s still hope, even in the darkest situation and I’m going to use it as a rope to ecape this well of pain. So, come on girl, put some music on, wear your invisible superhero cape and kick this day in the ass. Remember to turn the pain into power and that tomorrow is JD’s birthday.

Ps. I wrote  a fanfic about love and suicide: its title is The Reasons Why, maybe one of my best piece of writing.

TRACK OF THE DAY: The Reasons why- The Cure