Category Archives: Love

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple” Dr.Seuss

Lack of inspiration today (too much chocolate, I think) so here’s a short, but meaningful post.

I thought that the most difficult question to answer to, was  “Are you happy?” until JD started asking; “If you could do one thing in the world right now, what would it be?”.

I panicked. I poured out my huge bucket of wishes, trying to choose the most important of them, but they started jamming all at once to be noticed and be picked up, so I had a crowd of desires and no answer. Be healthy again, so I could work, earn money and be independent. Be rich, so I could cure myself and cut off my abusive relationship. Be able to travel, so I can fly away from this life I hate. Be younger, so things could be easier. Be… be… be…

So, in the end, I typed the easiest and most instinctive answer: “Kiss you”.

TRACK OF THE DAY: How will I know?- Whitney Houston

 

“I was so thin I could slice bread with my shoulderblades, only I seldom had bread” Charles Bukowski

There is something I’m always reluctant to talk about and it’s my unintentional weight loss. And while everybody seems having the opposite problem and struggles between diets and gym courses, it’s hard to say that I’m losing weight without dieting or increasing physical activity. To be completely frank, I never went to a gym, I love to walk, but the closest I can ever be to a sport, is yelling at the tv while watching football, rugby or golf.

So I never talk about this, because people won’t understand, they will probably say that I’m lucky and because I noticed that skinny people are often body shamed by being called unhealthy, bunch of bones or anorexic. Should I be ashamed of my skin and bones (just to say it in Coldplay’s words)? According to the nasty looks people give me on the beach, I should and that’s so unfair.

The real problem is not being fat or being thin, but looking at the others’ bodies to imitate them or to criticise them. No one is bearer of an absolute truth, let alone the perfect body type. So, look at yourself and yourself only, lose or gain weight only for health reasons or if you (and only you) like your body and stop thinking that people like underwear models are an evil example.

So here it comes the second part of this post: visiting Victoria’s Secrets store in London. I know, I already blamed those who go to London only to show their purchases in popular places, but in my defence, I have to say that I buy my underwear in the kids section and that I was dragged there, by someone who thought I would have loved luxury and invisible panties. Let me say that lace thongs are a big NO from me, since it’s like having a rose stem in the middle of the butt cheeks, but if you fancy sexy lingerie, here’s my tips.

There are three Victoria’s Secrets stores in London: one, I’ve never been to, is next to Brent Cross area, another one, the most famous, is located in Central London at 111 New Bond Street and you can get there by hopping off either at Bond Street or Oxford Circus station. It’s not hard to find, just a cross street of Regent’s Street.

 

 

The third store is inside the Westfield Mall, next to Sheperd’s Bush Station. Well, to be clear, there are two shops: the classic and bland Victoria’s Secrets and the Pink store for younger women that has cuter and more comfortable items (according to me). Anyway both have workout clothes, tank tops, underwear… just in a different style.

 

 

So, if you like this brand and you want to wear something sexy (and expensive) for a hot night under London stars, here you are. And don’t ask me what we bought, I won’t tell you: it’s a (Victoria’s) secret.

 

 

TRACK OF THE DAY: Little Things – One Direction

 

“Please mind the gap between your life and your dreams”

I know that the story behind the tube announcement would be more interesting than what I’m going to post, but it’s a bad health day, so my mood goes along with my pain.

(but in case you’re interested in the story of Mrs.Margaret McCollum who goes to Embankment station just to hear the voice of her deceased husband who recorded the Mind the gap message in 1965, here’s the video: https://vimeo.com/103459634).

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When we talk about dreams and desires, the most often heard sentences are “stop wishing, start acting” or “you’re not a tree: if you don’t like where you are, move” as if any dream we are chasing would be easy to be fulfilled just by working for it. That’s wise and sensible, but quite utopian.

What if your body is fighting against you, so you can’t get a proper work and earn the money you need to move to another country? What if you’re too old for the person you like? There’s no time machine, I’m sorry. And no, good will, a positive attitude, an optimistic view aren’t enough against objective difficulties. There are obstacles that can’t be overcame, no matter how hard you work for your dream. And this frustration and sense of impotence goes along with depression in a never ending cycle.

I will be very glad to fulfil all my wishes, I just need an healthier body. While waiting I must pay attention to the gap between what I dream and my life, I don’t want to get crushed.

TRACK OF THE DAY: To wish impossible Things – The Cure

 

“Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine” Charlotte Brontë

I was listening to the so relatable “Till the sun comes up” by Gavin James and I started reflecting on the lines “take me out of the water, out of the rain” asking myself if one day my cries for help and my attempts to escape from depression, will be successful. I have hope, but it’s as thin as tissue paper.

I’ve always been depressed, since I was twelve, when I understood that what was cool for my family about me, it wasn’t that cool for the others, that my tastes about music, clothes, sports and habits made me “the weird one” “the childish one” and even if I’ve always been proud of my being one of a kind, I developed a deep insecurity and the constant feeling of being out of place. And the worse happened when I realised that not only I would never marry Johnny Depp or become a writer, but that the guy I was madly in love with, only saw me as a friend.

Some people call it life, some people cope with deception better than others, but I wasn’t that strong, so depression triggered a lot of wrong choices that I’m still paying for. Since the only person I loved rejected me, I ended with the worst man I could choose for myself and spent my life to make things right. I tried to commit three times: at sixteen, at twenty and at twenty-two, but I never had the courage for it, so through the years I’ve been trying to kill myself in a more subtle way: by refusing food, but that’s a story that deserves its own post.

But suddenly, I found happiness who came in the most unexpected disguise and at the most unexpected time. I must admit that it was a sort of deep, bright, complete happiness that only changed my mood, my inner self and helped me to build self acceptance; it didn’t change the reality I’m living in (I’m trapped in a life I can’t escape from, unless I won a lot of money and gain a healthy body).

Chronic pain and invisible illness ruined everything again for they caused tremendous changes in my lifestyle, limiting my individual mobility and independence. The quality of my life got worse, I wake up hoping to get to the end of the day with the least pain or troubles possible. The worst thing is the lack of emotional support from the people I’m living with, who think I’m faking it, that it’s all in my head, who call me: useless, lazy, burden…

Pain, emotional violence, lack of my own money, made me fragile, I’m often depressed, but I have my magic medicine and the hope that the sun will be up for me… someday.

 TRACK OF THE DAY: ‘Till the Sun comes up”- Gavin James

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary” – Oscar Wilde

I spend a lot of time in doctors and hospitals’ waiting rooms where people keep on talking to me despite of my book and earplugs (without mentioning my “why isn’t my glance killing you?”). Generally they are old people complaining about their diseases, funny how I often feel worse than them, but the most annoying peeps are those who resort to clichés. Same issues, same discussions where everybody is right and wrong at the same time, for there isn’t an universal truth, every opinion is valid. But people still like attacking or trying to prevaricate the others with their points of view and honestly this isn’t a conversation. I love talking to open minded people, no matter if their opinion is different from mine, we shouldn’t talk to people in order to have them changing their minds, but to enrich both viewpoints.

The aim of this post was another. At the doctor’s waiting room I met an old man who looked at me for a while and then frankly said me that I wasn’t happy. So I told him about my sickness, but he insisted that besides my health’s problems I wasn’t happy. That probably I was in love with another person and for odd reasons we weren’t together. I denied because it’s something difficult to explain. Same story why it’s hard to make people understand why I don’t move over from the abusive relationship I’m in. I was shocked that he might have understood me so well with a simple gaze and since he wasn’t there anymore when I came back from my visit, I think he was a sort of Angel or another entity. Hahaha, ok, I should stop watching AHS.

And, yeah, I know, I deserve to be treated like a Princess, loved and understood, supported and appreciated. But the sad story is that my Prince charming is committed to another person, as I am: maybe we will be together in another and happier life.

In my actual one I found another ginger addition, thanks Nialler for that. It’s Gavin James, a very talented Irish songwriter. Amazing voice and heart ripping lyrics. Enjoy.

TRACK OF THE DAY: I don’t know why- Gavin James

 

 

“A good husband makes a good wife” – John Florio

Yesterday I was walking and I found a crumbled sticker on the ground: it was from the collection every kid in my city is doing and I thought it was weird that a sticker that maybe would help someone to complete their album, is considered a waste from another.

And my mind wandered as usual. How many of us are prisoner of the wrong relationship, loving the person that isn’t meant for us, while the one that has our red string of fate tied to their pinky, is committed with the wrong person as well? Because there’s no worse feeling that finding the right one at the wrong time, or realising that we’re caged in a relationship that isn’t for us, that we are in love with someone else and we can’t get rid of the actual one.

I wish love was easier and that we could all find our significant other, the one fate destined to us. Mine is a very sad story for I’m into an abusive relationship with no way out.

But, luckily there still are happy couples, that restore my faith in love; we need to celebrate love, above all now that hate seems affecting every side of our lives. I never care about private lives of artists because, well, the word explains itself: “private”, but I want to make an exception congratulating Sandy and Shanna who celebrated their UK wedding on Saturday. They really spread true love, I hope that God will bless them with peace, content and joy from above. Have a happy family guys!

Ps. The bride and the groom were gorgeous, but some of the guests were splendid too, I was glad to see many of my favourite people reunited in this pic.

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TRACK OF THE DAY: Lovesong- The Cure

“Learn from your dreams what you lack” – W. H. Auden

I’ve just added some celery to my fruit smoothie, now I feel like those whorish dancers who only talk about their body goals and cardio fitness. I hate celery, by the way.

A couple of weeks ago I found this interesting issue on a blog I’m following: “is it dangerous to achieve your dreams?”. I think it’s dangerous if we think that the happiness and the satisfaction will last forever, that once reached the top of the mountain we will never fall down. Nothing is permanent (good to know, since I don’t see the end of the dark tunnel of pain I’m in), it may happen that while we are enjoying the results of our hard work or of our luck, things change and then we feel betrayed, without the strength to climb another mountain or to set another goal.

We should simply learn to enjoy those moments of perfection until they last, without any expectation of forever or fear to lose them. One of the things I’m working on, is having no expectations about anybody or anything, to be happy when I achieve one of my dream, fully living it and try not to be broken when it ends. This last part is the hardest one, because I still have confidence in human being and above all in the beauty of my dreams.

I should be used to lose everything I care for. I’ve always been the second choice, the easy replaceable one, this killed my confidence. I should I’ve known I was destined to fail since when I was a child and while watching the anime Candy Candy, I hoped that her and Terence got married. A lame character ruined my childhood dream couple and that had became a constant of my life that a some point a whorish whining female being came to steal my loving one. Maybe one who drinks celery juice and loves cardio.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness: I’m reading “Ulysses” again.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Dreams- The Cranberries