Category Archives: Me

“I am terrified by this dark thing That sleeps in me”- Sylvia Plath

When I think my life has reached its lowest point, here it comes something that makes it worse.  I try not to indulge in sadness (even if lately I’m hooked up to bands like BMTH) and always look for the light. But it’s tiring, unfair, because the first selfish thought is “why me?”, what did I do to deserve all this?

Even looking at my magic paper with the uplifting lyrics “Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power” seems not to work, because the only thing I can think about is that I don’t have the money to get these words inked as I planned.

I read a lot of motivational articles, but they don’t work, because in the end I think they’re just a bunch of nice words which don’t lead anywhere and some of them are bullshit. A positive attitude helps, but doesn’t solve. It doesn’t heal illness, doesn’t give you money, doesn’t protect your kids. In my opinion there’s no shame in feeling hopeless, sad or depressed: faking happiness may be most dangerous than feeling sad, because it kills you inside. Faking a strength we don’t have or believing in a hope we don’t have, is the hardest thing ever.

I’m not celebrating depression: I know it’s a horrible monster able to turn me in an insensible creature, a mean stepmother that feeds me with negative stuff and makes me say that I’d preferred to be dead at a concert or when I was on holiday because I was dead happy. It’s terrible, I know, but I have to die anyway and London Bridge is way better than a sad hospital bed.

It is said that when it feels like the end, it’s often a new beginning. I hope it’s true because at the moment I can only think that what doesn’t kill me makes me wish I was dead instead of making me stronger.

Ps. I’m sorry if I’m so slave to my mood and if my posts don’t have any logic. This is how I feel right now, but talking to a friend or a walk or a random act of kindness or JD, can change it at any moment. Don’t worry, I’m just venting.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Drown – Bring me the Horizon

“Music can change the world because it can change people” ― Bono Vox

On Sunday the Old Trafford Stadium hosted the “One Love Manchester” tribute concert made of the performances from some of the biggest artists in the world. This benefit concert generated around $2.6 million in donations for the “We Love Manchester Emergency Fund”, to help victims of the terrorist attack on Ariana Grande’s gig.

I saw this show also as a statement of people saying “you can hurt us, but we’re still stand together supporting music and the right to have fun without fear”. Because the aim of assaults is to scare us, to bash everything that generates fun and happiness, to force us living in the constant fear of being attacked. What happened in Turin, where thousands of people who were watching the final match of Champions League, panicked after hearing the noise of some shots and turned into a human avalanche that generated over 600 injured, is a consistent example of the constant tension that lingers in our countries.

The best answer is keeping on travelling, on attending concerts and sport events: all the smiles and happy faces I saw last night are the best answer to hate and the reason why  my favourite part (in addition of Coldplay, of course) was the Parrs Wood High School Choir exhibition. Not only because the young and talented soloist (she is only 12 and has an incredible voice) was overwhelmed with emotion and calmed down only after being hugged by Ariana with whom she was duetting, but mainly because those kids represented the new generations who stand together and aren’t afraid to live their lives.

As regarding myself, I have experienced once again the healing power of music, because while I was singing out loud Coldplay and Oasis’ songs, I forgot my miserable condition and my sick sad life.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Fix You – Coldplay

 

“Self improvement is masturbation” ― Chuck Palahniuk

When I read a book of Palahniuk I do it with an open mind, without trying to reflect on what I’m reading,  taking every single thing as a part of his own creative process. If something seems senseless, I go on reading until every part of the puzzle goes at its place. I let the writer take my hand and bring me in his head. “Beautiful You” is one of those novels that can only be loved or deeply disliked. No need to say I loved it since I discerned it was a satire of the books I hate the most (the infamous trilogy of the 50 shades, please note that my disgust is mere jealousy toward something that made the fortune of its writer despite of the stereotypical characters, bad grammar, dull sex scenes and plain plot). The female character is an anonymous secretary who clumsy spills coffee on a fascinated, powerful millionaire who uses her as a guinea pig for his sex toys.

The whole book is a satire, not only on the 50 shades books: Palanhiuk talks about the classic men vs women battle, criticize the power of corporate companies and fashion brands, it emphasises the quest of the vaginal orgasm. He’s a master of satire!

The novel is full of clichés, I think he tried to demonstrate that despite of a predictable storyline, already known sentence structures,  clichés characters and banal dialogues, a good writer can make a great book.

Read it only if you’re going to take it as it is, sometime it’s delirious and sex scenes are more scientific than erotic; sometimes the plot gets weird and probably in the end you will say “What have I just read?”. So again, you’re going to love or hate it.

I’m not going to spoiler here its content, but if you leaf through “Beautiful You” in a bookshop, don’t let the beginning block you. The book starts with the female main character who seems to get raped in a court with everybody staring at the scene without helping her. It’s not an odd disturbing scene: it’s the metaphor of all of us being raped by consumerism and the society that looks at what happens without acting as if it was normal.

TRACK OF THE DAY: I don’t need a man- The Pussycat Dolls

“Stop making stupid people famous”-Unknown

I’m broke and I have a horrible health, so I’m always looking for opportunities to make money working from home. Browsing the web I found out about people who became rich thanks to their blogs or vlogs. And browsing more, I found out the existence of the so called influencers. I learned that many bloggers achieved the influencer status through their blogs, but that not all influencers have a blog.

Many of them provide useful tips, tell interesting things or are funny without being stupid. Unfortunately, above all regarding Italy, the most famous bloggers/vloggers talk about nonsense and as regarding influencers, in the social media there are large number of people who are unworthy of such honour. Through Instagram I saw many of them at Milan Fashion Week (but it could be any event) and the way they were seeking paparazzi attention, was embarassing, I found pathetic the fact that they were constantly changing their outfits during the shows in order to get more pictures. I don’t know nothing about fashion, but the way influencers dress is not fashionable at all.

Let’s be honest: people who are viewed as social media influencers, don’t teach anything, they’re followed by mainly young girls who see them as icons, who call them “Queen” or “my inspiration” and they end thinking that the most important thing is to wear brands for free just taking selfies or showing their bodies. Why do we reward stupidity?

So here’s my suggestion to fight this madness:

-Stop giving them attention. The more you adore (or hate) them you empower untalented people.

-Browse WordPress or a similar site and find blogs run by unknown people who have something to say. Talk to them, learn from them.

-Support indie artists and original makers and handmade creators,

-Write yourself a blog (or film vlogs) where you talk about inspirational things like books, travels, art and, why not, fashion.

Ps. If you want to know what I like to watch on You Tube, here’s Olive’s channel: she sings in Late Cambrian and in her vlogs, she proposes a lot of interesting topics using different registers. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYCUR_BNSrdC2GF3zB0ky9Q

If you need indie artists recommendations, ask me.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Stupid Girls- P!nk

 

 

“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important”- Arthur Conan Doyle

Since big things in life are difficult to achieve, for me it’s better and more satisfying, to focus on the little ones. It’s not only trying to achieve small goals, it’s also a constant research of every little source of happiness. We should educate our eyes (and our hearts) to see beauty, to recognise kindness, to feel positive people and appreciate them. No need to say that my life coach is JD, who seems to be always in a telepathic contact with me; yesterday I was desperately looking for a reason to smile and he inspired me saying: “It’s the little things in life that make the difference. Choose to be happy”.

So I decided to write down a list of 10 little things that usually make difference through my day:

  1. Morning/night texts: they make me feel loved.
  2. Random acts of kindness: they restore my hope in a world with better people.
  3. Encouraging messages from my wonderful friends: they give me strength.
  4. A new book to read or a new story on my mind: a new world where I can refuge in.
  5. Listening to my favourite songs: music is always a blessing for my soul.
  6. Learning a new thing: learning is not only for students, we must improve our knowledge in order to be more open-minded.
  7. Finding a tasty gluten free product or recipe: because in order to have a performing mind, we should have an healthy (and happy) body as well.
  8. Low pain day: never take your health for granted.
  9. Going to bed with no task undone.
  10. Him.

And you? Do you have some little pleasures that make your day better?

TRACK OF THE DAY: The little Things- Toto

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple”- Dr.Seuss

Lack of inspiration today (too much chocolate, I think) so here’s a short, but meaningful post.

I thought that the most difficult question to answer to, was  “Are you happy?” until JD started asking; “If you could do one thing in the world right now, what would it be?”.

I panicked. I poured out my huge bucket of wishes, trying to choose the most important of them, but they started jamming all at once to be noticed and be picked up, so I had a crowd of desires and no answer. Be healthy again, so I could work, earn money and be independent. Be rich, so I could cure myself and cut off my abusive relationship. Be able to travel, so I can fly away from this life I hate. Be younger, so things could be easier. Be… be… be…

So, in the end, I typed the easiest and most instinctive answer: “Kiss you”.

TRACK OF THE DAY: How will I know?- Whitney Houston

 

“People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die”― Haruki Murakami

My laptop suddenly died with a lot of unsaved stuff in it and I’m currently writing on a borrowed computer which is probably power supplied by dinosaurs, but as it’s said: it’s better than nothing.

It has probably been a good thing for you all, since I had a terrible time, suffering chronic pain, frustration and an insane amount of emotional abuse. It hasn’t got better to be honest, but my unwinged angels from this side and from the opposite side of the pond, supported me and both told and demonstrated me that I’m worth loving. Whenever I feel like complaining about how it’s always raining on me, I should remember that I have big umbrellas, some of them are even limited edition. And JD, well, JD always plays a big part in my happiness; I even finally found the answer to the question “Describe him in two words”. I’ve never been able to choose among his infinite qualities, but now I know how to portray him: “nothing compares”.

I read a lot of books as usual, I indulged in Sylvia Plath’s works and that’s something I should avoid, above all when I’m depressed, if I don’t want to end with the head in the oven like her without having written anything notable.

I thought a lot about death lately, suicide, of course, but also about what happens to our beloved stuff once we die. I was in a thrift shop where a friend of mine volunteeers and a woman came with a garbage bag full of collectibles, knick-knack and books, saying that her mom died, so she had to make space in the house. I looked at the object thinking about which sentimental value they may had for their owner. We only see a little value decorative item, but maybe it was a present of an ancient lover, the souvenir of a long desired journey, the memory of a funny trip. And it’s sad to think that one day my kids will do the same; they will put my beloved books, my cherished vinyls, my precious signed CD and all my stuff in a black trash bag and bring it to a thrift shop or throw it into the bin.

So, in case someone will put their hands on the drumsticks JD gave to me, please, treasure them, not only because they’re the only pair used for Heartless video, but because they’re my magic wands: I hold them whenever I feel shit and my mood changes because they say “you’re loved!”. They mean more than what they are, love them as I did. Thanks.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Good Riddance- Green Day