Tag Archives: life

“I am terrified by this dark thing That sleeps in me”- Sylvia Plath

When I think my life has reached its lowest point, here it comes something that makes it worse.  I try not to indulge in sadness (even if lately I’m hooked up to bands like BMTH) and always look for the light. But it’s tiring, unfair, because the first selfish thought is “why me?”, what did I do to deserve all this?

Even looking at my magic paper with the uplifting lyrics “Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power” seems not to work, because the only thing I can think about is that I don’t have the money to get these words inked as I planned.

I read a lot of motivational articles, but they don’t work, because in the end I think they’re just a bunch of nice words which don’t lead anywhere and some of them are bullshit. A positive attitude helps, but doesn’t solve. It doesn’t heal illness, doesn’t give you money, doesn’t protect your kids. In my opinion there’s no shame in feeling hopeless, sad or depressed: faking happiness may be most dangerous than feeling sad, because it kills you inside. Faking a strength we don’t have or believing in a hope we don’t have, is the hardest thing ever.

I’m not celebrating depression: I know it’s a horrible monster able to turn me in an insensible creature, a mean stepmother that feeds me with negative stuff and makes me say that I’d preferred to be dead at a concert or when I was on holiday because I was dead happy. It’s terrible, I know, but I have to die anyway and London Bridge is way better than a sad hospital bed.

It is said that when it feels like the end, it’s often a new beginning. I hope it’s true because at the moment I can only think that what doesn’t kill me makes me wish I was dead instead of making me stronger.

Ps. I’m sorry if I’m so slave to my mood and if my posts don’t have any logic. This is how I feel right now, but talking to a friend or a walk or a random act of kindness or JD, can change it at any moment. Don’t worry, I’m just venting.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Drown – Bring me the Horizon

“How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!” – Maya Angelou

London. Once again. No terrorism involved this time, probably the wrong materials to insulate the Grenfell Tower, according to the speed of how quickly the fire took hold, probably a bad escape plan or out of date safety equipment. But the reasons why the blaze was originated are secondary in front of the people who have lost their lives and the mourn of their families. Unfortunately at least 12 people have died and authorities added that the number is expected to rise and police do not anticipate finding any more survivors.

In such a tragedy there was a positive aspect: first of all the generosity of people who immediately brought not only food, water, clothes, but also prams and toys. This adds up to the solidarity of hotels and restaurants who offered rooms and free meals for those people who have lost everything. And the second amazing thing was the rapidity of the London fire brigade to be there.

Each time there are fires, explosions and disasters, my thoughts go to these people who risk their lives to save others. When most people will flee and run away from the danger Firefighters, however, run towards them. They are heroes, they do that for a sense of duty and not for money, they don’t earn so much and many times they’re volunteers. These are the people we should look up to.

Heroes are not stupid famous people as I often read below celebs posts’, heroes are firemen, policemen who risk their lives for our safety, but also doctors and nurses who solve emergencies. Hero is also your Dad who breaks his back to grant you a solid future. And you should call Queen, not an useless Kardashian, but your Mom who keeps on smiling after a tiring day at work, who, for example, stays awake until late to sew your party dress or cook your favourite meal.

You don’t need a tragic situation to become a hero, defending a person from bullies, helping an old person to cross the street, helping someone at work or at school may be little acts, but in their smallness, they’re big for their recipient. Everyone can be a hero, try to be one in everyday life and don’t waste this word for people who don’t deserve it: fame, money, fashion, parties, expensive clothes are just smoke and mirrors.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Angel by the Wings – Sia

 

“Music can change the world because it can change people” ― Bono Vox

On Sunday the Old Trafford Stadium hosted the “One Love Manchester” tribute concert made of the performances from some of the biggest artists in the world. This benefit concert generated around $2.6 million in donations for the “We Love Manchester Emergency Fund”, to help victims of the terrorist attack on Ariana Grande’s gig.

I saw this show also as a statement of people saying “you can hurt us, but we’re still stand together supporting music and the right to have fun without fear”. Because the aim of assaults is to scare us, to bash everything that generates fun and happiness, to force us living in the constant fear of being attacked. What happened in Turin, where thousands of people who were watching the final match of Champions League, panicked after hearing the noise of some shots and turned into a human avalanche that generated over 600 injured, is a consistent example of the constant tension that lingers in our countries.

The best answer is keeping on travelling, on attending concerts and sport events: all the smiles and happy faces I saw last night are the best answer to hate and the reason why  my favourite part (in addition of Coldplay, of course) was the Parrs Wood High School Choir exhibition. Not only because the young and talented soloist (she is only 12 and has an incredible voice) was overwhelmed with emotion and calmed down only after being hugged by Ariana with whom she was duetting, but mainly because those kids represented the new generations who stand together and aren’t afraid to live their lives.

As regarding myself, I have experienced once again the healing power of music, because while I was singing out loud Coldplay and Oasis’ songs, I forgot my miserable condition and my sick sad life.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Fix You – Coldplay

 

“It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose your own”- H.S. Truman

Let’s be honest, sentences like “money doesn’t count” are sensible when you have enough of it to live and you don’t have to struggle to pay bills or say no to everything you like because you can’t afford it. Of course: family and friends are more important than money, I always say that I’m a millionaire if I look at the friends I have, but even if they’re beyond important with their support and love, it doesn’t bring food on my table.

My life was already bad due to health, now it’s going to get worse, because in two years my family will lose its fix income and all my ideas of earning money working from home, crashed against stupid Italian internal revenue system, according to which you need a VAT for everything and have to pay a fix tax even if you don’t earn nothing. (I still doing researches about home based jobs because I need something I can manage  according to bad and good health days).

In the blink of an eye all the things I’ve built, planned, worked hard for, are going to disappear due to economical interests that thinks that a factory that is not productive enough, has to been shut down, no matter how many family this will affect.

Pope Francis recently said that closing factories and businesses and taking work (and dignity) away from men and women is a grave sin. If there’s a life after that, they will probably pay for that, but at the moment we are those who are having a living Hell on Earth. Words are uplifting, but aren’t enough.

The sad thing is that I sacrificed my happiness, dignity and self esteem for stability. I chose an abusive but stable relationship over a happier, but uncertain one. And now? Now all is gone. I’m starting having anxiety attacks and depression is stronger than ever. I tried, but never be able to commit suicide because of my loving one, at the moment, the only thing that stops me is the fear to fail, believe me, killing yourself is not as easy as you think and there’s a lot of things that can go wrong.

I wrote these last lines not because I’m an attention whore who needs pity and nice words, it’s a self reminding of how strong I am. Next post will be different and more useful, I promise: I have so many things to say and I will run this blog until I can afford internet connection.

I would say to those who lost their job to stay strong, to use this experience to start a new life, to be positive, but these are words that you can find on life coaches blogs. People who have money and don’t have to look into their children eyes telling them “I’m sorry, we can’t buy this”. I’m only a broken creature with no magic spell who’s trying to see the light even in the darkest times. Someone wrote that I’m a fighter through the fire: I should wear off my cape of self commiseration and take my sword.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Stressed out- Twenty one Pilots

 

“Stop making stupid people famous”-Unknown

I’m broke and I have a horrible health, so I’m always looking for opportunities to make money working from home. Browsing the web I found out about people who became rich thanks to their blogs or vlogs. And browsing more, I found out the existence of the so called influencers. I learned that many bloggers achieved the influencer status through their blogs, but that not all influencers have a blog.

Many of them provide useful tips, tell interesting things or are funny without being stupid. Unfortunately, above all regarding Italy, the most famous bloggers/vloggers talk about nonsense and as regarding influencers, in the social media there are large number of people who are unworthy of such honour. Through Instagram I saw many of them at Milan Fashion Week (but it could be any event) and the way they were seeking paparazzi attention, was embarassing, I found pathetic the fact that they were constantly changing their outfits during the shows in order to get more pictures. I don’t know nothing about fashion, but the way influencers dress is not fashionable at all.

Let’s be honest: people who are viewed as social media influencers, don’t teach anything, they’re followed by mainly young girls who see them as icons, who call them “Queen” or “my inspiration” and they end thinking that the most important thing is to wear brands for free just taking selfies or showing their bodies. Why do we reward stupidity?

So here’s my suggestion to fight this madness:

-Stop giving them attention. The more you adore (or hate) them you empower untalented people.

-Browse WordPress or a similar site and find blogs run by unknown people who have something to say. Talk to them, learn from them.

-Support indie artists and original makers and handmade creators,

-Write yourself a blog (or film vlogs) where you talk about inspirational things like books, travels, art and, why not, fashion.

Ps. If you want to know what I like to watch on You Tube, here’s Olive’s channel: she sings in Late Cambrian and in her vlogs, she proposes a lot of interesting topics using different registers. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYCUR_BNSrdC2GF3zB0ky9Q

If you need indie artists recommendations, ask me.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Stupid Girls- P!nk

 

 

“Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that”- Martin Luther King Jr.

Many things have been written about what happened in Manchester. I read disgusting sarcasm like “Here’s what you get for listening shitty music”, a lot of hate, too many useless theories, a few jackals/journalists stalking victim’s relatives in order to get the perfect moving story, the usual comment of people who state that we only get indignant because it happened in Europe.

My opinion is: too many young angels grew their wings too soon and their families deserve silence and respect. They don’t need our silly conjectures.

Also, big, tragic events like this can make feel like that the world is falling apart, so, in your lifes,  look for one of the tiny acts of kindness that still hold it together.

The words that inspired me to stay positive, came from JD: “Even in the most fucked up times, look to the light. It’s the only way to fight the darkness.

TRACK OF THE DAY: One more time- Ariana Grande

“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important”- Arthur Conan Doyle

Since big things in life are difficult to achieve, for me it’s better and more satisfying, to focus on the little ones. It’s not only trying to achieve small goals, it’s also a constant research of every little source of happiness. We should educate our eyes (and our hearts) to see beauty, to recognise kindness, to feel positive people and appreciate them. No need to say that my life coach is JD, who seems to be always in a telepathic contact with me; yesterday I was desperately looking for a reason to smile and he inspired me saying: “It’s the little things in life that make the difference. Choose to be happy”.

So I decided to write down a list of 10 little things that usually make difference through my day:

  1. Morning/night texts: they make me feel loved.
  2. Random acts of kindness: they restore my hope in a world with better people.
  3. Encouraging messages from my wonderful friends: they give me strength.
  4. A new book to read or a new story on my mind: a new world where I can refuge in.
  5. Listening to my favourite songs: music is always a blessing for my soul.
  6. Learning a new thing: learning is not only for students, we must improve our knowledge in order to be more open-minded.
  7. Finding a tasty gluten free product or recipe: because in order to have a performing mind, we should have an healthy (and happy) body as well.
  8. Low pain day: never take your health for granted.
  9. Going to bed with no task undone.
  10. Him.

And you? Do you have some little pleasures that make your day better?

TRACK OF THE DAY: The little Things- Toto