Tag Archives: relationship

“It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose your own” H.S. Truman

Let’s be honest, sentences like “money doesn’t count” are sensible when you have enough of it to live and you don’t have to struggle to pay bills or say no to everything you like because you can’t afford it. Of course: family and friends are more important than money, I always say that I’m a millionaire if I look at the friends I have, but even if they’re beyond important with their support and love, it doesn’t bring food on my table.

My life was already bad due to health, now it’s going to get worse, because in two years my family will lose its fix income and all my ideas of earning money working from home, crashed against stupid Italian internal revenue system, according to which you need a VAT for everything and have to pay a fix tax even if you don’t earn nothing. (I still doing researches about home based jobs because I need something I can manage  according to bad and good health days).

In the blink of an eye all the things I’ve built, planned, worked hard for, are going to disappear due to economical interests that thinks that a factory that is not productive enough, has to been shut down, no matter how many family this will affect.

Pope Francis recently said that closing factories and businesses and taking work (and dignity) away from men and women is a grave sin. If there’s a life after that, they will probably pay for that, but at the moment we are those who are having a living Hell on Earth. Words are uplifting, but aren’t enough.

The sad thing is that I sacrificed my happiness, dignity and self esteem for stability. I chose an abusive but stable relationship over a happier, but uncertain one. And now? Now all is gone. I’m starting having anxiety attacks and depression is stronger than ever. I tried, but never be able to commit suicide because of my loving one, at the moment, the only thing that stops me is the fear to fail, believe me, killing yourself is not as easy as you think and there’s a lot of things that can go wrong.

I wrote these last lines not because I’m an attention whore who needs pity and nice words, it’s a self reminding of how strong I am. Next post will be different and more useful, I promise: I have so many things to say and I will run this blog until I can afford internet connection.

I would say to those who lost their job to stay strong, to use this experience to start a new life, to be positive, but these are words that you can find on life coaches blogs. People who have money and don’t have to look into their children eyes telling them “I’m sorry, we can’t buy this”. I’m only a broken creature with no magic spell who’s trying to see the light even in the darkest times. Someone wrote that I’m a fighter through the fire: I should wear off my cape of self commiseration and take my sword.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Stressed out- Twenty one Pilots

 

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“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple” Dr.Seuss

Lack of inspiration today (too much chocolate, I think) so here’s a short, but meaningful post.

I thought that the most difficult question to answer to, was  “Are you happy?” until JD started asking; “If you could do one thing in the world right now, what would it be?”.

I panicked. I poured out my huge bucket of wishes, trying to choose the most important of them, but they started jamming all at once to be noticed and be picked up, so I had a crowd of desires and no answer. Be healthy again, so I could work, earn money and be independent. Be rich, so I could cure myself and cut off my abusive relationship. Be able to travel, so I can fly away from this life I hate. Be younger, so things could be easier. Be… be… be…

So, in the end, I typed the easiest and most instinctive answer: “Kiss you”.

TRACK OF THE DAY: How will I know?- Whitney Houston

 

“Ocean separates lands, not souls” Munia Khan

I’ve just finished to read “Just Kids” by Patti Smith, well, read is not the proper word since I literally devoured it; I love her prose, she is a poet indeed because she has the ability to keep the reader stuck on the page. There isn’t a dull moment, an unnecessary part, she presents people, places and situations through her eyes and you feel like you’re right there; her attention to details, clothes, smells or tastes, helps to have a clear picture of what she writes. This book is an autobiography and it’s centred mainly on her relationship with the artist/photographer Robert Mapplethorpe and their struggle to realize their dreams in New York. It’s an inspirational book, above all if you have artistic ambitions and it’s an honest overview on two cultural icons who trascend their times.

There are many reasons why one can find this book interesting, but what I loved the most is the kind of relationship between Patti and Robert. She promised him to write their story after his death (he passed away in 1989 after battling against AIDS) and she fulfilled this promise many years later with this heartfelt book. Their bond was so intense that it hold out against lack of money, it endured after both careers took off and despite of Robert’s homosexuality, it spiritually survived even after Patti got married and had kids. When Robert died, she knew it before anyone told her about it and I think that’s the best example how two souls can be deeply related besides time, distance or other relationships.

I believe in what Goethe called “Elective Affinities”, that somewhere there is our perfect half and that we can recognize them through simple details (same interests, a food you both like, a particular scent, a song…), you don’t need big things to say “You’re my person” to someone, you just feel it.

Unfortunately fate is mean and it often happens to meet the right one too late or that there are insurmountable obstacles to your happiness. There’s no biggest punishment than can’t be together with the person you’re destined to. But this is called life.

TRACK OF THE DAY: Ask the Angels- Patti Smith

“Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine” Charlotte Brontë

I was listening to the so relatable “Till the sun comes up” by Gavin James and I started reflecting on the lines “take me out of the water, out of the rain” asking myself if one day my cries for help and my attempts to escape from depression, will be successful. I have hope, but it’s as thin as tissue paper.

I’ve always been depressed, since I was twelve, when I understood that what was cool for my family about me, it wasn’t that cool for the others, that my tastes about music, clothes, sports and habits made me “the weird one” “the childish one” and even if I’ve always been proud of my being one of a kind, I developed a deep insecurity and the constant feeling of being out of place. And the worse happened when I realised that not only I would never marry Johnny Depp or become a writer, but that the guy I was madly in love with, only saw me as a friend.

Some people call it life, some people cope with deception better than others, but I wasn’t that strong, so depression triggered a lot of wrong choices that I’m still paying for. Since the only person I loved rejected me, I ended with the worst man I could choose for myself and spent my life to make things right. I tried to commit three times: at sixteen, at twenty and at twenty-two, but I never had the courage for it, so through the years I’ve been trying to kill myself in a more subtle way: by refusing food, but that’s a story that deserves its own post.

But suddenly, I found happiness who came in the most unexpected disguise and at the most unexpected time. I must admit that it was a sort of deep, bright, complete happiness that only changed my mood, my inner self and helped me to build self acceptance; it didn’t change the reality I’m living in (I’m trapped in a life I can’t escape from, unless I won a lot of money and gain a healthy body).

Chronic pain and invisible illness ruined everything again for they caused tremendous changes in my lifestyle, limiting my individual mobility and independence. The quality of my life got worse, I wake up hoping to get to the end of the day with the least pain or troubles possible. The worst thing is the lack of emotional support from the people I’m living with, who think I’m faking it, that it’s all in my head, who call me: useless, lazy, burden…

Pain, emotional violence, lack of my own money, made me fragile, I’m often depressed, but I have my magic medicine and the hope that the sun will be up for me… someday.

 TRACK OF THE DAY: ‘Till the Sun comes up”- Gavin James

“A good husband makes a good wife” – John Florio

Yesterday I was walking and I found a crumbled sticker on the ground: it was from the collection every kid in my city is doing and I thought it was weird that a sticker that maybe would help someone to complete their album, is considered a waste from another.

And my mind wandered as usual. How many of us are prisoner of the wrong relationship, loving the person that isn’t meant for us, while the one that has our red string of fate tied to their pinky, is committed with the wrong person as well? Because there’s no worse feeling that finding the right one at the wrong time, or realising that we’re caged in a relationship that isn’t for us, that we are in love with someone else and we can’t get rid of the actual one.

I wish love was easier and that we could all find our significant other, the one fate destined to us. Mine is a very sad story for I’m into an abusive relationship with no way out.

But, luckily there still are happy couples, that restore my faith in love; we need to celebrate love, above all now that hate seems affecting every side of our lives. I never care about private lives of artists because, well, the word explains itself: “private”, but I want to make an exception congratulating Sandy and Shanna who celebrated their UK wedding on Saturday. They really spread true love, I hope that God will bless them with peace, content and joy from above. Have a happy family guys!

Ps. The bride and the groom were gorgeous, but some of the guests were splendid too, I was glad to see many of my favourite people reunited in this pic.

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TRACK OF THE DAY: Lovesong- The Cure